Bed bug.

Yes, you read that correctly. Bed bug. Though to be fair, it’s probably not the kind you may be thinking of. Let me explain.

Last night, I was minding my own business, sitting peacefully on my bed and watching an episode of Parks and Rec. Right as I was laughing at another hilarious (& oftentimes, mean) joke that April Ludgate had dished, I noticed something black scrambling towards me.

I gave myself no time to think.

I snatched off my sheets and jeté’d out of the bed. A loud, shriek-like noise came out of my mouth without my permission. And I performed a jig that can only be described as the twist mixed with the harlem shake. All done in less than 2.3 seconds. I imagine I looked a little something like this.

What if it was crawling on me? What if it was still in the sheets? I couldn’t take any chances. Everything had to go. Everything.

But fret not, blog readers, for I found the creepy crawler and I destroyed it with a mighty force, i.e. my fuzzy, pink house shoe. Crisis averted. Except…

PLOT TWIST.

As I was putting new sheets on my bed, I noticed that the now deceased bug had a sidekick in waiting, who was hanging on my ceiling. I’m sure he thought I wouldn’t have noticed him if he waited patiently and remained completely still. And I’m sure that had I not seen him, he would have attacked me when my guard was down and sought revenge for his fallen friend. But don’t panic. I thwarted his plans before he was able to execute and follow through.

Me – 2. Bugs – 0.

PS – Does anyone have Season 6 of Parks & Rec I can borrow? Get at me.